Routines...

I like my routines. I probably need my routines, actually. Some think I'm a little Obsessive Compulsive...

I've started swimming again for several reasons: a) I like it, b) It helps me lose weight, c) I can now go without feeling very uncomfortable due to my size.

Anyway, I went today and I was noticing how I'm , inevitably, building little routines into the trip to the pool. First, I choose a pool. I've tried several with mixed experiences and settled on The Quays in town. I don't ask for much but here the Fast Lane is either empty (so I have the lane to myself) or actually populated by "Fast" swimmers, not people who just wish they were but live in cloud cuckoo land and hold you up. It's pride, isn't it? There's a "Medium" lane - doesn't sound too bad does it? You're Medium. Swim in the Medium lane. Please. OK, the "Slow" lane is definitely for those who wish to keep their hair dry, fair enough...but I digress.

On Tuesday I went for my first Quays visit and drove around for a bit trying to find it, didn't know where the entrance was, didn't know how much to pay or what I needed for a locker, didn't know I could get my parking fee back, didn't know where the Men's changing was or the way into the pool. But I made it into the pool and loved it. Struggled to find my way out of the car park afterwards...

Today, oh it was a different story! Straight there, straight in, got parking off the price, straight into the changing area to the same bench I used on Tuesday, same locker (Number 75), same lane, excellent all round! Straight out of the car park afterwards...

You may be thinking - even the same locker?? Well, as I was saying about routines, I refine a process bit by bit until it works optimally (in my mind) and then I repeat it. Every time. No point being unnecessarily anxious, now, is there? This is true for many things I do, I've noticed, and if it ain't broke, as they say, don't fix it.

My beautiful wife once took the kids to ASDA and turned left upon entering the store . "We can't do that!", they cried, "Daddy ALWAYS turns right..." and it's true. Must turn right, must turn right...

So, before very long I'll be able to do my swim without making any decisions at all. Which is just how I like it.

The story so far...

When I was at school I was often called fat. I laughed about it, but what are you supposed to do? It's a defense mechanism when on the inside you're hurting. I wasn't even that big but, especially in school, it doesn't take much. I was not bullied but, for whatever reason(s), this impression of myself has remained ever since.

As an adult, being obsessive it seems to me, has two faces. There is the internal, private one and the external, public one. Since mid December I have lost a lot of weight and, for me, it is a life changing time, and I can hardly believe I've done it. I am glancing in shop windows, catching my reflection and doing a double take - my mind is still stubbornly expecting to see the same old profile that I'd tried to ignore or deny. On the outside I was accepting of it - "Hey, this is the shape God made me!" - but on the inside ever more desperate not to be like I was. I know that unless I am very, very careful I will simply eat too much again. Repeatedly. Yes, unless you're like me you will not understand. Unless you are recognising this mindset in yourself it's just a bit over the top, isn't it? I look at this picture and think, "Yeah. just bring me some ketchup and leave me to it!"


In Winner's book, one of the things that came across to me is the seriousness with which he set his mind to the task. This is not a diet, this is a life or death change of lifestyle. It is that serious. Maybe not for you, but for me and others, quite simply, it is. There is no end, there is no finish line, there is only a behaviour modification that must be lifelong. Managing this approach involves the private and the public. Privately I can do as I please but publicly I need to integrate my eating so as not too make a fuss...

But, the benefits are numerous! Where do I start? I am not disgusted with myself. I am not ashamed of my shape. I am no longer approaching private despair. I carry a message of hope! It can be done! It really can - and by doing less, eating less!

For women, it is easier to discuss weight and eating. For men, well, don't be such a girl! I believe there are a large number of men who feel as I felt, who don't believe they can stop overeating, and I don't want to keep my feelings of victory, freedom, release, choice, increased self-esteem etc. to myself! I want other guys, who want to change, to know that it can be done.

It CAN be done, you CAN do it, and if I can help I will :-)

Lifted from Brian's blog...

A break...

In 1995 Ali and I were married and we went to the Isle of Wight for our honeymoon. It's a mere 12 and a bit years later and we've just been away together on our own AGAIN! This time we went to Bournemouth to a hotel for two nights and it was marvellous! Big thanks to the Frames for moving into our house and sorting seven kids in our absence...

I must recommend The Starlight curry house to both of you. Faultless! The service was actually fast!* I thought something must be wrong - we ordered, and the food arrived within a few minutes :-O The Chicken Tikka Madras I had was spectacular as well; just shy of my pain threshold, yum.

Who knows, in 2020 we may go somewhere again...

*At the other extreme was the IaMT curry in Southampton recently. I arrived about an hour late, but we were still waiting another hour later for the food to arrive. There were mumblings about going to the Chippy next door for sustenance while we waited. At one point some of the assembled stood up to change places (I think they were actually checking their legs still worked after being motionless for so long...) and the owner burst from the kitchen waving his arms thinking we were leaving having simply given up in despair...

Two of my favourite subjects...

Just saw this headline and thought, "Well, here two of my worlds collide!": "Obesity as big a threat as Climate Change"

"Conscious control" definitely describes me and Mr Winner!

I agree that small changes will not be sufficient to affect your weight and shape - a change of lifestyle is needed, albeit exercise, in my case, was not found to be necessary. I have now, however, started swimming and running again (I used to do short triathlons; I am thinking about doing them again...).

And on the subject of Climate Change, I hope you had a look at http://climatedebatedaily.com/ - read it with an open mind.

Obesity is not up for question but Anthropogenic Climate Change most certainly is.

Packhorses...

Just got in from the school run (non-uniform day for the girls, oops, will go back shortly with other clothes for them...). I saw a Mum heavy-laden with bags whilst her two boys happily walked alongside her. Why do most Mums do this?? One of our boys went to a friend's house after school yesterday and that Mum even offered to carry his stuff for him! Why?? Make the kids carry their own stuff. It's their stuff and they get used to it quite happily.

Will it be these Mum's who later can't understand why their kids don't do anything for themselves? "Why do I have to do everything around here?" they will cry, "Because you always did!" could be the response...

Pretentious? moi??

I just need to say that I had to Google Beethoven to find out who Orpheus actually is.

Phenominal...

Just watching "The South Bank Show" - they are profiling an extremely gifted pianist called Lang Lang and, I kid you not, he is one of the most amazing musicians I have ever seen. But, what's struck me is his emotional connection with the music he's playing (let alone his technical brilliance) - he demonstrates Orpheus' pain so very clearly (in the Beethoven) as he plays the notes. He is physically expressing the emotions as he plays. Such a very deep understanding here, quite sublime.

You think the debate is over? Think again...

Check out this site: http://climatedebatedaily.com/

I am firmly on the right hand side.

It's official...

...I am officially no longer OBESE!
Even the extremely unfair BMI chart confirms that I am now only OVERWEIGHT.
That's good then...

What's in a name...?

I was playing golf today with an extremely good friend today at Chilworth. I shall disguise his name, let's call him Dim Sendy (not his real name...). It was his birthday today and in honour of this great day I was enjoying a half corona cigar (Henry Winterman) on the 13th fairway. He looked across at me from the rough before taking his sixth (or so...) shot and said, "You remind me of Hannibal Lecter..." Well, I was taken aback - that's a bit harsh, I thought, "No, hang on", he said, "I mean Hannibal from the A-team!"

What's in a name, eh? Small difference...

One of those days...

Today has been one of those days. Now, I'd like to say that I did allow the day to develop, I just don't say, "It's going to be one of those days...", early in the morning 'cos I spilt the coffee. No, don't curse the day!

One of my jobs at Central Hall is to get the talk recorded and get it to the office on Monday; normally this is quite a straightforward task. Well, as straightforward as anything "technical" ever is! I'm also recording a new song and it (was) nearly done. I was given a PC for recording purposes and I prepare the talks on that machine too.

So I import the talk WAV from the H2 (takes ages...) to my Tracktion software as usual and it plays. Once. Then it's silent. I can even see the waveform on the screen but it's making no sound. My song tracks all work fine - on the same screen, on the same software. So I re-import the WAV and again it works once and then goes on strike. OK, restart the PC and begin again with a Normalised (takes absolutely ages on the H2) WAV now and it seems to be better. I chop the track nicely and go for an Export as a WAV as normal. At this point the whole Tracktion screen simply disappears. Uh, this is bad...didn't save the song...hours of work...gone in an instant.

This process of arriving at a point significantly worse off than where I started has taken me until lunchtime.

After huffing and puffing for a bit I resign myself to having to re-record the song (acoustic, bass, vocal, keys, drums...) from scratch and re-do the talk. Humph.

OK, re-restart the PC and...TRACKTION HAS COMPLETELY DISAPPEARED FROM THE COMPUTER AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! Now, I can't even re-record the song! Or redo the talk!

So, at the end of this day I have spent quite a lot of energy getting myself to a point some distance behind where I was when I started.

Here he is...

Careful, careful...

Time, I think, for another delve into the world of RoSPA. In keeping with my current food OBSESSION let's see how many people injured themselves in a food related way.

OK, on the hassandlass website I'm looking at "Breadbin". Hmmm, can't really see how you hurt yourself here but, hold on a sec, yep, I have the results:
In 2000 there were 71 "Victims" of "Breadbin", in 2001 there were 36 and in 2002 there were 185. BREADBIN?? 185 in 2002 means one person every other day!!

Right, let's check out, hmmmm, "Coffee Grinder". Results:
In 2000 there were none, in 2001 there were 18 and in 2002 none again. That is a BIG peak there in 2002. I can only think that either i) there was a Government awareness campaign after the 2001 epidemic vis a vis the dangers of grinding coffee or ii) everyone started drinking instant (or "Warm Drink of Weetabix" as I call it...). Interesting that the Breadbin is seriously more dangerous than the Coffee Grinder. Thinking about a sandwich or a cuppa? Go for the brew, seriously, your life could depend on it.

Last one. Let's choose, "Serving Tray". What do you reckon? How does this innocent looking piece of equipment compare with the near lethal "Breadbin" and the surprisingly harmless "Coffee Grinder"? Folks, I have to tell you that the humble Serving Tray is a DEATH TRAP!! In 2000 there were 1,419 Victims, in 2001 1,464 and in 2002 1,599! (On the increase, you notice?) HOW??

So, in summary, using advanced techniques of statistical analysis I calculate the following:

a) A Serving Tray is 2.6 times as dangerous as a Breadbin,
b) A Breadbin is 16.2 times as dangerous as a Coffee Grinder, and
c) A Serving Tray is 15.3 times as dangerous as a Breadbin and a wopping 249 times as dangerous as a Coffee Grinder.

I'll stop there.

You have been warned.
Ignorance is no longer an excuse.

(I have just checked back to a post I did on risk, read it here, and a Serving Tray is 2.2 times as dangerous as a Bus Shelter.)

Expressions...

Tonight at Central Hall we're having a meeting listed as Creative Prayer. The aim is to explore various expressions of creativity in prayer and worship and whatever else that means. I like to have everything prepared normally so this is something a bit different for me!

I am really keen to help facilitate people's creative expression before God. I know that my most natural expression, singing, is well catered for in our church life but what if your expression is painting? Or sculpting? Or dancing? Or...whatever it is? So we don't have a plan as such, just a few thoughts and we'll see what happens.

It's good to have some space and time for these sorts of expressions of the creativity that God has placed inside us all.

Some of it I will understand and some of it I will not. The picture is an example of "not" :-)

Another bottle...

My weight loss is now up to four 2 litre bottles of Diet Coke - WOW! I changed my plan slightly yesterday though as my wife, who's a Doctor, said I needed more protein so it was chicken for lunch! I know that at this stage of my food journey I can start to go a bit over obsessive and begin seeing food as the enemy. This way leads to bigger problems than being overweight! I think this highlights just what a complex thing your relationship with food can be - one season eating to excess, the next eating next to nothing. It can flip right over.

I was once working four nights a week in a factory on a line. I lost weight then by eating nothing but fruit and fibre and swimming one hundred lengths at the pool in the morning after each shift. Lost a lot then too, but this is not exactly sustainable is it??

This time my plan is to have two phases - Phase 1: Achieve an acceptable weight, and Phase 2: Maintain that weight.

Phase 1 is going well but I do have to be careful not to lose a healthy perspective on it.

I'm hopeful that Phase 2 will be sustainable.

Phew...!

A new low this morning! I was ruthless yesterday and have reaped the benefit this morning. I remember in Winner's book he has the same experience several times of eating just a bit too much and then feeling the annoyance the next day as the numbers tell the story. For me, this is one of the reasons weighing night and day is crucial - I can keep in touch with what's happening day by day and respond as necessary.

Yes, it is obsessive. BUT if I am serious about being slimmer then it is the only way. I'm 38 and this is (was??) the decade where I can really make a difference to later life healthwise. Without this sort of approach I would go gently into that good night of obesity, and all that it brings.

Rage, rage against the widening of the waist!

Just how careful I have to be...

Went out for Chinese last night (a birthday...) and, boy, that's been a wake up call! Big spike in my bar chart, seriously not happy about this. Felt like lots of good work was gone in a flash. Simply ATE TOO MUCH. I have to remember that, given the opportunity, I will overeat, every time. I am a Compulsive Overeater. If you are not like this it's difficult to explain.

So, it is a setback but I shall have my victory! In a couple of weeks it'll be a blip on my chart and a lesson learned.

A new man...

...I am a new man! I played golf today and the contrast with my last game was amazing. Before I lost some weight I was struggling around the course and after nine holes I went home exhausted. Played poorly too. Today I could have carried on after 18 easily (although the weather won just before that...) and the trousers I bought to wear for golf when I was at my largest.....are now too big!! GLORY GLORY!! And I played quite well too, very encouraging :-)

I have now lost more than the weight of three 2 litre bottles of Coke and this since late November. (Well, Diet Coke, in fact...)

I'm starting to think that this way of eating is conceivably sustainable. If so, this is a huge step forward for me. I won't be cured, but I can manage myself so that I eat what I need and not the amount I want. Being slimmer is much more tasty than loads and loads of food.

Thanks again Michael Winner.

(I just read the previous post and the result of the two meals was my spreadsheet weight bar chart levelled off for a couple of days, but I've caught up now, hurray! I did go easy on the first one which was veeeeeeeeeeeery hard but "relaxed" a bit on the second one. YUM!)

Easy does it!

Hmmm, it doesn't take much to stop the flow of weight from my body! I'm maintaining my loss just about but I'm being forced to eat curry for the second night on the trot. Mmmmmm, nice. Last night we went out for an IaMT night and tonight friends are bringing one over. Reminds me of Michael Winner when he describes when he's going to be tempted most to eat and eat.

Never fear! I shall catch up and begin shrinking again tomorrow :-)

The incredible shrinking man...

Since following Michael Winner's advice I have lost 5kg!!!!!!!!!! This is super-great, and I have already got back into my bike leathers :-)

I just put 5kg of Diet Coke and vegetable oil (2 x 2 litres Coke and 1 litre of oil which is close enough) into a carrier bag (in the bottles, not poured in...) and the weight of it is amazing! Have I lost this much already?? Yes I have.

I haven't stopped eating anything or exercised (although I know I should anyway...). I eat a lot less and, most importantly I think, eat little in the evenings and nothing after 6:30 if possible.

According to the Body Mass Index chart* I should be about 10 and 1/2 stone which is 66.7kg. HA HA VERY FUNNY!!

My wife reckons 80kg should be about right for me - in this case I am already half way there - excellent :-)

So here's to next year and a thinner me - I shall continue to blog as long as I don't disappear altogether.


* The Body Mass Index chart is an officially sanctioned instrument of despair which will, if you are a wider person, rob you of what little hope you had of reaching an "acceptable" weight. Do not take much notice of it unless you are the one person in the world for whom it was designed. And even he/she should try not to get too down about it.

Brainlock.

Walking back from the shop the other day I had a moment of deep wonder. It was dusk and the moon was up - I thought, "So that's a planet. And we're on another planet. So how does that all work then?"

I remember as a kid lying in my bed and imagining moving outwards (if even that makes any sense) through space and wondering where the edge was. But if you got there and then went a bit further...............

Re the picture:
"Representing a narrow "keyhole" view stretching to the visible horizon of the universe, the Hubble Deep Field image covers a speck of the sky only about the width of a dime 75 feet away. Though the field is a very small sample of the heavens, it is considered representative of the typical distribution of galaxies in space, because the universe, statistically, looks largely the same in all directions. Gazing into this small field, Hubble uncovered a bewildering assortment of at least 1,500 galaxies at various stages of evolution."

Do you know how big even one galaxy is? The average Galaxy has, wait for it, 100-200 billion Stars most similar to our Sun. Erm, nope, sorry, cannot fathom this.

So, 1500 Galaxies in a part of the sky covered by a dime at 75 feet away and each of the 1500 Galaxies contain 100-200 billion Stars like the Sun?

WWWHHHHHHAAAAAAAATTTTTTTT??????

Look at what HE made!

I do make myself chuckle...

Went to Sainsbury's today and when I paid the checkout lady asked me, "Have you got Nectar?", "No", I replied, "It's just a bit of a cold..."

Lovely logic...

Just heard a comedienne on Radio 4. Her Mum writes her about a Council Tax leaflet that's come through the door. It says that if you're in prison you don't have to pay the Council Tax. If, however, you are in prison for non-payment of Council Tax, you do have to pay the Council Tax.

I love things like this!

More on Mr Winner...

My beautiful wife, Ali, went to London for the weekend with her sister to do the Christmas shopping (bah, humbug...) and brought me back a present: Michael Winner's book: "Fat Pig Diet", and I am genuinely pleased she did. While she was in London he was doing a signing, so my wonderful wife queued up and got one signed for me. He said (as verbatim as I can make it), "You don't look like you need one of these?", she said, "It's for my husband...", he said, "Is he fat?", she said, "Well, he does struggle with it a bit..."

It's been about a week and it is indeed working. His two main rules are: EAT LESS and don't eat after 7:30pm. I am losing weight and it's not painful so far. One of the keys is to weigh yourself last thing at night and first thing in the morning. This is crucial for motivation as you don't see the visible evidence of progress but the numbers don't lie.

Being a bit gadgety I am logging my weight on a spreadsheet on my phone to chart my progress and it looks GOOD!

Another motivation is to get back into my bike leathers. I was recounting this to Billy earlier today and he said that lard is the answer. I said lard was the problem :-)

One step forward...

This morning I successfully put up two new light fittings and later two dimmer switches to match - excellent!

I am, however, typing this on my laptop as I've broken the desktop I normally use. I broke it putting the lights up. How, you ask? Well, under our stairs is the trip switch board for the electrics but there's no light to see what you're doing. I had to try each switch until the lights went out and one of the first ones turned off the supply to the PC. Oops. Now it won't boot up "properly" but will operate in Safe mode (Yes, I have tried System Restore but to no avail...). If it wasn't for this laptop I would be disconnected!!!

The lights look nice, though.

(Oh, and if you know how to fix the PC.....??)

Neeeeeeeeeoooooooowwwwwwwwww......

We have our bike (Kwak ZZR600) back on the road! I am very excited about this as riding a motorbike is one of life's very special joys for me. It is sooo fast! It's been SORNed for months as it broke it's own brake lever (by having a little lie down on a hot day on our front garden...) and electronically immobilised itself due to circuit board corrosion.
0-60 in about three and a half seconds - it's FANTASTIC!

I did my Direct Access about three years ago, and I tell you, when the examiner (very nice bloke, rode an R1) told me that I'd passed I nearly cried on the spot, seriously, I was that happy.

The novelty doesn't wear off, although I did a track day at Silverstone and that nearly made me give up riding on the roads. I experienced another reality that day - quite incredible! Nearly cried that day too when I arrived and heard, smelt, felt the bikes getting ready. Ah, yes. I think it's in you or it just aint. Part of me is indeed a "Biker".

Which reminds me of something I saw from my kitchen one day...

I watched an interesting vignette being played out just now. A Robin had flown through our outer back door and was struggling to find its way out again. It kept flying into the glass windows but wasn't finding the open door. As I drank my coffee and wondered how to help it I saw Socks, one of our cats, leap up and almost catch the Robin. This attack forced the Robin to fly the other way and...out the door!

There must be some sort of sermony-type message there...come on...think...I know:

"Sometimes in life it takes an unpleasant situation to force us in a direction that leads to true freedom."

Nice!

Calm down, dear......

I actually went on our running machine today (whilst listening to Mark Driscoll from Mars Hill). I am too fat and uncomfortable with it. I've blogged about eating and weight before so forgive me if it all sounds a bit familiar!

Michael Winner has recently lost a lot of weight and written a book, The Fat Pig Diet, and I've heard him talk about it a few times. The key is (drumroll...) to eat less. Not rocket science, is it? So why do I persist in eating too much? Well, it's the mind isn't it? I eat to celebrate, I eat to commiserate, I eat for comfort, I eat out of boredom, I eat simply for the pleasure, I eat to escape...

When was the last time I ate because I was actually hungry??
Can't remember.

I did start going to a group for compulsive over eaters and it was very helpful - it made a real difference to me as the aim is to get to grips with the reasons we eat, not what you weigh or should weigh. Then I thought I had it sorted and stopped going. Hmmm...

The problem with weight loss programs (with which I have enjoyed great success in the past) is that they in no way address the reasons for compulsive eating. It's treating the symptom not the underlying cause. Consequently, you reach your target and go out and celebrate with a great big meal!!

This is a much bigger (no pun intended) problem for men than most would think - it's hidden.

It can, of course lead to a vicious circle: I find myself with feelings of shame about my size so I eat for comfort which makes me bigger which makes me feel shame so I eat for comfort...

What I want, is to change inside so that instead of turning to food I turn to Jesus to supply my needs. I did just write a song about that...

So, Michael Winner, I salute you, for you have got me onto the running machine again and thinking about eating less.

Buses...

Nice to see that Sim has interrupted his hectic schedule to actually post on his Blog again - it does seem to be like buses with him though, nothing for ages and then loads all at once :-)

(Ballet can be confusing, but finding the right seat isn't supposed to be...)

This also made me laugh...

So the Association of Chief Police Officers have changed their collective mind about the reclassification of Cannabis, eh?

I heard on Radio 4 that they now believe that the downgrading of the drug a few years ago is, "Sending out the wrong message."

Well, DUH!

I suppose they have to ask...

So I'm at the checkout with my five, yes five, items on the belt.
The checkout lady asks me, "Would you like any help with your packing?"
I pause, then say, "I'll have a go, and if I get stuck, we'll call for help."
If looks could kill...

These make me laugh...

I know there are quite a lot of these but, for me, they have a cumulative comedic effect...

• "Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet." -- In the information booklet.

• "Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.

• "For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.

• "Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron.

• "Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer.

• "Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer.

• "Do not use while sleeping or unconscious." -- On a hand-held massaging device.

• "Do not place this product into any electronic equipment." -- On the case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket.

• "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." -- On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

• "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.

• "This product not intended for use as a dental drill." -- On an electric rotary tool.

• "Caution: Do not spray in eyes." -- On a container of underarm deodorant.

• "Do not drive with sunshield in place." -- On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.

• "Caution: This is not a safety protective device." -- On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn.

• "Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter.

• "Battery may explore or leak." -- On a battery. See a scanned image.

• "Do not eat toner." -- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.

• "Not intended for highway use." -- On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow.

• "This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater.

• "May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.

• "Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." -- On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock."

• "Caution! Contents hot!" -- On a Domino's Pizza box.

• "Caution: Hot beverages are hot!" -- On a coffee cup.

• "Warning: May contain small parts." -- On a frisbee.

• "Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.

• "Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife.

• "Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.

• "Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.

• "Warning: Do not use on eyes." -- In the manual for a heated seat cushion.

• "Do not look into laser with remaining eye." -- On a laser pointer.

• "Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven.

• "For use on animals only." -- On an electric cattle prod.

• "For use by trained personnel only." -- On a can of air freshener.

• "Keep out of reach of children and teenagers." -- On a can of air freshener.

• "Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you." -- On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror.

• "Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft." -- In the manual for a jetski.

• "Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.

• "Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty.

• "Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator." -- On a bag of fresh grapes in Australia.

• "Warning: knives are sharp!" -- On the packaging of a sharpening stone.

• "Not for weight control." -- On a pack of Breath Savers.

• "Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." -- On the label of a bottled drink.

• "Theft of this container is a crime." -- On a milk crate.

• "Do not use intimately." -- On a tube of deodorant.

• "Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.

• "Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757.

• "Cannot be made non-poisonous." -- On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid.

• "Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller.

• "Excessive dust may be irritating to shin and eyes." -- On a tube of agarose powder, used to make gels.

• "Look before driving." -- On the dash board of a mail truck.

• "Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.

• "Do not drive car or operate machinery." -- On Boot's children's cough medicine.

• "For indoor or outdoor use only." -- On a string of Christmas lights.

• "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.

• "This door is alarmed from 7:00pm - 7:00am." -- On a hospital's outside access door.

• "Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station.

• "Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems." -- On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets.

• "Product will be hot after heating." -- On a supermarket dessert box.

• "Do not turn upside down." -- On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box.

• "Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.

• "Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." -- On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy.

• "Not for human consumption." -- On a package of dice.

• "May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers.

• "Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your warranty." -- A printed message that appears in a television advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan.

• "Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.

• "Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer.

• "Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.

• "Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.

• "Do not eat if seal is missing." -- On said seal.

• "Remove occupants from the stroller before folding it."

• "Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.

• "Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.

• "Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.

• "Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.

• "Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.

• "Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.

• "Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.

• "Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.

• "Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.

• "For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.

• "Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone.

• "Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.

So it's late...

...at 12:52 at night right now. I've finished watching CSI, my wife has fallen asleep before the TV (again!) and I've been upstairs to prepare the way for our ascent to bed. Our two girls were asleep in our bed when I came home, now it was one and I carried her to her room; she, half asleep, still smiles at me and giggles. When I came in from Central Hall at about 9:30 they were both asleep there and how beautiful they looked. The youngest had since put herself to bed. The eldest boy was still awake and I tucked him in, the younger boy out for the count.

I am the only one awake now. It's quiet, but we are still all here. I feel it. When we're all awake...well, let's just say four kids can be demanding. Times like this, I think, WOW!, look what we made - look what God gave us! Look what he gave me! God has never been fair to me - he seems to give me all the good stuff.

Now it's 1:03 in the morning. A pause for thought. Then blessed sleep...

Different every time...

I'm recording in my room a new song and it's one of the frustrating ones. The song processes are different every time - in the writing and the recording. I like this as I don't do well with repetition. I don't do well with repetition. (Sorry, couldn't resist...)

Sometimes I write a song and it almost falls out, as if it was there all the time and I just had to play it. Others are as if I'm chiselling away, making slow progress, hitting my thumb with the hammer, but I get there in the end. Some take minutes and some take months.

Then there's the recording; it's the same story. With some, one vocal take and I'm happy with it - excellent! Other times I feel like giving up. (It's even more annoying when I'm struggling to sing something, to my satisfaction, that I wrote myself...). OK, this take, nope, maybe this one? Nope. Sigh.

A point comes where I say, "OK, this is going to have to do..." and I stop. I am nearly at that point with this one. I also know that I'm a perfectionist and generally no-one notices what I notice anyway...

Right, back to the other corner of the room I go.

Life's little suprises (or not actually)...

A note to our four children:

To the best of my knowledge, it has still not been made illegal to FLUSH THE TOILET AFTER A POO!!!!!!

And so it darkens...but...

...I have been noticing the trees this year and the colours they make - amazing! Plus, it's been bright each day so far so it's not felt gloomy at all and I am surprised at my bonhomie. I remember one year not long ago and it seemed like from November to January it rained and rained and rained and rained... And we lived too close to the school not to walk every day so we got wet every day.

Now, sadly, we live too far from the school to walk so we are forced to drive every day. Ah well.

Anyway, God does seem to be doing a particularly good Autumn this year.

Hmmm...

Why is there only one Competition Commission?

And so it darkens...

Each year about this time it starts getting darker earlier and gets light later. I don't like it, it can make me gloomy. A mild case of Seasonal Affective Disorder maybe. I have a light next to the bed that comes on gradually in the mornings to make my brain think the Sun's coming up achieving full brightness as the alarm goes off (negating any feelings of well being instantly...). My wife says it's made a huge difference - we've had the light a few years now, and she's the expert on my demeanour!

I think of Spring already with anticipation. And its only October.

So, if you should see me wearing some sort of miner's lamp pointing a brightly shining full spectrum bulb at my face, you'll know why. Humph.


(Oh, in this room I do have a full spectrum bulb - the photos show the effect it has on my mood.)

Flintstones Winston Cigarette TV Commercial - 1962

Ah, happy days!!

OK, I give up.

Nobel Peace Prize? Al Gore??? Words fail me. It's now too late for sensible discussion so I think I'll stop blogging about climate change. I have lost the will...

An inconvenient hyperbole...

Hurray and hurrah! A Judge has pointed out "errors" in Al Gore's film, "An inconvenient truth". At last!

From the paper today the errors include:

· The film claimed that low-lying inhabited Pacific atolls "are being inundated because of anthropogenic global warming" - but there was no evidence of any evacuation occurring

· It spoke of global warming "shutting down the ocean conveyor" - the process by which the gulf stream is carried over the north Atlantic to western Europe. The judge said that, according to the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, it was "very unlikely" that the conveyor would shut down in the future, though it might slow down

· Mr Gore had also claimed - by ridiculing the opposite view - that two graphs, one plotting a rise in C02 and the other the rise in temperature over a period of 650,000 years, showed "an exact fit". The judge said although scientists agreed there was a connection, "the two graphs do not establish what Mr Gore asserts"

· Mr Gore said the disappearance of snow on Mt Kilimanjaro was expressly attributable to human-induced climate change. The judge said the consensus was that that could not be established

· The drying up of Lake Chad was used as an example of global warming. The judge said: "It is apparently considered to be more likely to result from ... population increase, over-grazing and regional climate variability"

· Mr Gore ascribed Hurricane Katrina to global warming, but there was "insufficient evidence to show that"

· Mr Gore also referred to a study showing that polar bears were being found that had drowned "swimming long distances to find the ice". The judge said: "The only scientific study that either side before me can find is one which indicates that four polar bears have recently been found drowned because of a storm"

· The film said that coral reefs all over the world were bleaching because of global warming and other factors. The judge said separating the impacts of stresses due to climate change from other stresses, such as over-fishing, and pollution, was difficult"

These are not minor points - Al Gore used these "errors" to give hugely powerful but unproven impressions of the situation. How many times have we seen footage of Katrina embedded in pieces about Global Warming? Many. The viewer is being conned (not even that cleverly) by the film makers.

At least now a Judge has flagged up the great bias in this film.

(I gotta say, the Polar Bears one is simply fantastic! Did he just make it up? Think folks, every time you start that car, another bear drowns!!!!!!!)

Big Day For Me Today :-)

Today was the day that our youngest of our four kids went to school for THE WHOLE DAY!!! It's been sooooooooooo many weeks since the start of term. First she had two and a half hours on a Friday. Then the next week off. Then a week of mornings but not lunch (Apart from the Monday when the reception staff had a training day (?)). Then a week of mornings with lunch. Then, ta ta da daaaaaaaaaaaaaa FULL TIME SCHOOLING. I was starting to think she'd be in Year 3 before it happened. Still, we are now there and it feels grrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat! My next life season has officially begun...

(I try to get through the school year without reading any letters. Hence I took the boys down to school at the start of term and their school was shut. I also took our youngest down on that day her Year was shut too. I make my bed...)

Nice one...

Just listening to a Radio 4 program about Dr Samuel Johnson. In Googling for a picture of him I came across a detail of his original dictionary and it made me smile:

OATS. n. f. [Saxon] A grain, which in England is generally given to horses, but in Scotland supports the people.


(Oh, my wife is semi Scottish by the way and hence I hold the brave battling Scots in far higher esteem than did Dr Johnson, it would appear.)

Thanks for that...

I posted a parcel this morning. I asked the lady what my options were and she said that First Class would be five pounds and Parcel Force would be four pounds ninety five.

"What's the difference?", I asked.
"5p", she said.

Still chuckling...

The other day on Radio 4 I heard part of a comedy. One of the characters was bemoaning the dilution of the English language with French phrases and he said something like this:

"I don't know, it's precisely that sort of laissez faire attitude that's bringing into question the very raison d'etre of the English language."

Love it :-)

Curse of the Golden Flower

I just finished watching the above film and, WOW!! My eyes popped and my jaw dropped increasingly as this film unfolded - how do they make films like this?? "Visually stunning" is spot on here, I mean, it seemed that every scene was a work of art, really!

What struck me powerfully was the sheer grandeur in which the Emperor and the royals lived. Forget your Buckingham Palace, no, no , no, I saw no Tupperware here my friends, this was ridiculous. Clothes made entirely of gold, incredible carpets everywhere, walls covered in the finest work, servants instantly available to tend to the every need, thousands of soldiers ready and pleased to die at the snap of the fingers - and yet...

...and yet it made me think of Solomon "in all his glory". The Queen of Sheba pitched up with, what she must have thought, an impressive selection of gifts and demonstrations of wealth but even she was "overwhelmed". 1 Kings 10 tells the story and goes on to describe, in part, his incredible wealth. God prospered Solomon to such an extent because, when in a dream, God asked him what was the thing he most desired, he asked for wisdom, "That I may discern between good and bad". As long as Solomon kept the true faith he would be the wisest and the richest in all the world. We know it didn't last, of course, and Solomon turned away from God in the end.

What's my point? Well, these things are so impressive but don't mean much to God. God's economy is about love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. These are the fruit of the Spirit.

To quote a kids' song: "Man looks on the outside, but God looks on the heart."

Carbon-offsetting: the rich and the poor...

A website I visit quite regularly is Arts & Letters Daily. I found this on my path as a Homedad needing something to keep my brain ticking over - it's a fantastic site, have a look!

Yesterday before bed I checked it out and found an article on carbon-offsetting - go on, read it, it's veeeeery interesting.

The neat point it makes is that it can only work as long as the third world poor remain poor. Think about it. If they all become as "developed" as us, whom will we pay to make up for our rich lifestyles, eh? Yes, indeed.

Well, I have the answer. Calculate how much CO2 you're putting into the atmosphere (through doing the ironing, or whatever...), work out your "offsetting cost", give me the cash and I'll tell you it doesn't make any difference to climate change anyway. You will sleep better at night, your conscience clear.

Golf clubs and exam grades...

The latest 5 iron will hit the ball further than a 5 iron of a few years ago. This is mainly because the modern day 5 iron has an equivalent loft of a 4 iron of bygone years. Why? Well, each year the manufacturers need to "improve" on their last year's model and, to most golfers, this means more distance. So, after the technological advances have plateaued all that's left is to "strengthen" the loft and make the golfer think he's hitting the ball further with your clubs. Your 5 iron hits as far as the old 4 iron, so it must be better. Clever, right? Nope. Cos now you don't have enough clubs at the short end - the wedges. Now you need to buy a "Gap" wedge (or wedges...) as the clubs have all shifted. All that's happened is the clubs have been renumbered to make us all feel better and to maintain our faith in the, apparent, never ending improvement in golf club performance.

So, to GCSE grades. Years ago, exams were "normally" assessed - such and such a percentage of candidates got As, such and such Bs etc. The problem politically is that, by definition, the percentage of, say, Cs won't change from year to year so how do we show we are getting better each year? So out went O levels and "criterion" assessment GCSEs arrived. Now, a certain mark will get you a certain grade, no matter how many candidates achieve that mark. Politically, we are able to see whether results are improving year after year - and do you know what? They are! Children are actually getting cleverer every single year, amazing! Fantastic! Yeah, as in "fantasy". So we have to have a new grade of A* as the "top" is too crowded - hello?? What happened to the Bell Shaped Curve? I imagine it's still right there, actually. It's a similar story with A levels, they're introducing an A* there too for the same reason and Universities are having to employ their own exams to differentiate between all the hopeful candidates with 17 or so A grades each.

Why do we think that everything must improve all the time? In reality, things tend to stay the same - whether it's the distances we hit golf balls or the distribution of "intelligence" amongst the population. When things won't improve we make them: adjust the lofts and appear to hit the ball further, and adjust the exams and appear to improve academic attainment. Genius.

Here's my prediction for the future:
1) A set of golf irons consisting: wedge 10, wedge 9, wedge 8, wedge 7, wedge 6, wedge 5, wedge 4, wedge 3, wedge 2 and wedge 1.
2) A range of exam grades consisting: A*******, A******, A*****, A****, A***, A** and A*.

The power of imagination...

School "holidays".
Humph.
Our eldest (9) is bored.
He just appeared at my door holding a blue strip of wood as tall as him, "I've found something to play with!", he exclaimed excitedly.
"Ah!", I said, "What is it?"
"A stick." he said,
"So, what's it going to be?", I asked,
"A stick." he said.

I am not a hairy man but...

Getting older is very interesting, I think. I'm 38 and I feel 38. Never quite understand when people say, "Inside I'm still an 18 year old..." - some sort of denial?

Anyway, to the title. I have started noticing unexplained rogue hair growth. This is just one of those things that happen as you age. I HOPE. First I noticed that my eyebrows had sprouted a couple of long hairs each, with a mind of their own, shunning the crowd and launching off to go their own way. So, what do you do? Tricky one this, but I had to pluck them out. I am having to pluck my eyebrows. This is not to reshape them, you understand, but simply to keep them under control.

Actually, upon further recollection, it was my nose that first gave the game away and my brother saying, "There's no excuse for that..." Male grooming gadgets, oh dear. I have electric nose hair clippers. There, I said it. (Warning, don't use these for eyebrows - one slip and you can end up looking a little, erm, "street"?)

Just the other day I also spied a mutant long hair on my wrist - what's next, the palms of my hands??

Ah well, one should accept these changes graciously. I still have all my own teeth, you know...but, now then, where did I leave them...?

I'm clever I am.

When we moved here I found this house name sign - for weeks I was wondering who Stann was and why the house was named after him....

And again...

NewScientist, 21st July 2007

(Article, "Global Shades" opening sentence.)

"Even with the best will in the world, reducing our carbon emissions is not going to prevent global warming."

Exactly right - this article brings to mind Nigel Lawson's lecture to the Centre for Policy Studies in late 2006 about which I blogged here.

Lawson summarises his lecture thus:

"Essentially, I have sought to argue three key propositions.

First, the relatively new and highly complex science of climatology is an uncertain one, and neither scientists nor politicians serve either the truth or the people by pretending to know more than they do.

Second, far and away the most rational response to such climate change as, for any reason, may occur, is to adapt to it.

And third, the rich countries of the temperate world have an obligation to assist the poor countries of the tropical world to undertake whatever adaptation may be needed."

There exists limited time, energy and money. Why are we continuing to waste (huge amounts of) these in trying to stop something that can't be, when we could be using them helping those likely to be most affected?

24-7 Ibiza Summer 2006

See what these guys do - you get a much clearer impression with a video. Brian spoke at Church, you can listen here - he's the one sunning himself.

Meritocracy? Not good enough.

If you have the ability, you should get your chance - Does this sum up the meritocratic aim? Probably. Been thinking about the Paul Potts video clip posted below and what's been troubling me is this: The guy shambles onto the stage and we all dismiss him. I mean, look at him! Stop wasting our time. He has no merit. So far. Then, he sings and now the "truth" is revealed - he can sing, really sing, he has merit, he has worth, now we love him, we really love him!! Why? Because he has given something to us. He has moved us. He is now useful to us. It's less about him, than us.

The same man walked onto the stage as walked off. Now we love him. What if he'd opened his mouth and confirmed our assumptions? Now we don't love him. Now we pity him and send him away.

You see my point? Meritocracy, forgive me, is dependent on perceived merit. Meritocracy can be brutal. What about those without perceived merit?

Jesus went to those without "merit" didn't he? Not for him a meritocracy. God's Kingdom is not like this because God is not impressed with "merit" but sees through to the heart.

God's Kingdom is about grace.

What grace would Paul Potts have been shown if he hadn't been able to sing?

Ale nomenclature

I was at the Men's (gggrrrrrrrrr...) get together at The Gate last night and had a fine time. Now that the pubs are smoke free and hence largely empty I thought I'd go along. I was kindly bought a couple of bottles of alcohol free Holsten which definitely tasted more like beer than Coke. Pretty much. Anyway, there were three of us left at the end (hardy souls) and I'm proud to say I invented a new ale. I mean, the name for a new ale. We were discussing our favourites - mine being London Pride, Flowers, HSBC erm, no hang on that's a bank, and (shh, don't tell real ale aficionados...) Directors. By the way, Courage Best at our Student bar when I first pitched up was 65p a pint!! (The Bar did go bust at some point...). But I digress. As I offered my choices I was struck at how simple the names were compared to "really proper" ales. So, imagine the quirksome pleasure of walking confidently to the bar and saying, "Hello there, a pint of Old Grumbleweedwhiskersbottom please." Does this or does this not sound just like a real ale? Yes it does. One day, who knows, you may get your chance. Any backers?

WHAT A MOMENT THIS IS!!

This has brought tears to my eyes...

Train of thought?

Yesterday, walking towards the school to drop the kids off the conversation went like this:

Kidofmine: Why do we walk down this side of the road?
Me: Because we use the Lollypop lady at the end of the road and she's on this side.
Kidofmine: But after school we walk back along the other side of the road...
Me: We utilise the Lollypop lady but down the road a little to cross to the other side of this road since we turn left at the top of the road because that's where I normally park the car.
Kidofmine: Why do cats lick their bottoms?

Over designed or what?

Saw this whiteboard eraser thingy this morning at preschool and had to take a photo. Someone designed this, and they really need to get out more.

Take a look:
1. Aerodynamically optimised.
We've all suffered the embarrassment of air resistance at the whiteboard surface slowing us down.
2. Lifted nose for even smoother operation.
No more getting stuck upon impact with a particularly thick line.
3. Extra grippy grey stuff ensuring no slipping mid stroke.
Forget seeing the eraser flying from your hand through the window.

Where would we be without great design like this?

Hmmm, interesting...

I went to Countess Mountbatten Hospice today in response to a request in our weekly newsletter for drivers. They need a few more people to transport patients, relatives and small bits of equipment. As our four (incredible) kids have got older my role as a Homedad has changed and I have more time freed up for other things - in October our youngest will be all day at school so loads more golf. Erm, I mean work...

Anyways, towards the end of the meeting I was asked if I'd had a close bereavement recently and, as you may know, my Dad died last October. Now, they don't allow anyone to help in this way until 2 years after a close loss. So I can't do it. This is a good rule but I hadn't thought about that so it was a bit of a, "Ah, right..." moment.

It's made me think hard today (even harder than normal...) because when I saw the request for volunteers it felt right and I could see how I could be a help in the community.
But I can't do it.

I think God said, "No, not now Mark." He's made his point and I wouldn't have got it without being turned down. I think he's asking me to concentrate on the things he has given me to do. My stuff at church is increasing, we're in a new season, and I know this will take significant time and energy. And let me not forget I am a Husband and still a Homedad. I think he's also said, "Just do what I give you as well as you can. Focus your energies on these things."

In the "Battleship surrounded by fishing vessels" picture I knew straight away that my primary place was on the battleship - this is where my energies will be concentrated. After this morning I feel as though I've been given "permission" to do just that: concentrate on the things he's given me and do them as well as I can with what he's given me, and stop feeling so guilty about not doing things he's not given me to do.

Minority sports,,,

Just been listening to Radio 4 on the way back from school pick up - they were talking about speedway. a reporter had been to a match to sample the experience. He was making the point that, as with other minority sports, the fans are utterly devoted. Perhaps the smaller fan base makes you feel a bit more special? Maybe. There was also a piece about the Tour de France which will be starting in London. Hang on a minute... London? Tour de.....?? Anyway, the guy was expounding the benefits of cycling and how it was becoming more and more popular in this country...

We are wired to be devoted to something and to promote that something. Hence, a fan of a particular minority sport, given the airtime, will become quite evangelical about his or her particular sport - we should all be doing it. But to what end, I ask myself? I was reminded of this, Psalm33:

17 A horse is a vain hope for deliverance; despite all its great strength it cannot save.

Sport is also a vain hope for deliverance, despite all its great wonders it cannot save. To hear some going on about their particular sport, you'd think it can.

Oh, and when is the Olympics coming to London? I'm not sure y'see, I can't read the Flintstone/Street logo...

My joke of the day :-)

My friend Duncan was telling me about the gun culture in the States - you can go to a supermarket and buy breakfast cereal, milk, coffee, a gun, ammo...

So my joke of the day was: "So when you get to the checkout, do they ask if you'd like help with your packing?"

I thank you, I thank you...

Here you go, Mum...

My Mum's having trouble with her email connection so I'm posting pictures of the "boys" here :-)

Top is Boots (black nose) and the bottom one is Socks (pink nose).

Puuuurrrrrrrrrrr...

We have, as of last Thursday morning, two kittens!

They are sooooooooooooooo cute :-)

They're called Socks and Boots.
The kids wanted Socks and Pants but I had to say no to that...